What happens when you realize you’ve made wrong choices every single time you had to make a decision?
Edit from the future: This is a post I wrote in a very anxious period of my life(23/09/2018 (DD/MM/YYYY)), I decided not to post it until I was calmer about everything, to see if I’d regret anything I wrote, it turns out it still speaks very true to what I am. So here you have it.
I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I’ve wanted to create business. I’ve wanted to build video game. I’ve wanted to build a Mobile App. I’ve wanted to make money. I’ve wanted to graduate Engineering.
I’m on the process of getting what I want by failing every day. That is what I’m telling myself at least. Recently I’ve talked about how I’ve tried to commit suicide a long while back. It’s been 8 years. At the time I was a completely different person, or maybe I was the same.
I’m not good at anything that is important to me. I’m full of doubts, I have no certainty, so whenever I’m trying to accomplish something, I stop midway because doubts are stronger than anything else. If I start crying, I feel like I’m never gonna stop. I can’t cry at home, no privacy there. I can’t cry here on the study room at Computer Science Department.
Buddhism has helped.
“I passed university” – said I with no emotion whatsoever. “That’s great” said my parents. “Maybe” is all I thought.
I hate being like this. I hate darkness. I hate having to look my parents in the eye and pretend that I’m gonna go far in life.
I hate not having discipline. I hate having to hide tears.
I have one hour left for crying and thinking. Then I’m going to pretend I’m okay when I go to dinner eat something. I also need an excuse for not doing anything this afternoon.
“I’m just not good, why do it?”. Why indeed?
I’m around talented people. Why can’t I be one of them?
I need to learn about Nyquist, then apply that to a project my teacher asked us to do. ADALINE machine learning algorithm.
What happens when you are wrong? What happens when nothing helps? Nothing external helps. Music doesn’t help. I don’t know if I’m taking the right decisions every day. And everyday I need to make decisions. And every time it feels like I’m taking the wrong one.
It’s kind a nice where I’m at. Huge desk. fits all my things. My things are organized. I’ve got my Kindle, my notes. My cellphone, laptop. I’ve got my doubts as well. You know what?
How about those doubts, let’s address them, so nothing gets cloudy, and every problem gets clear as crystal.
I doubt that I need to finish my classes.
I doubt that I need to work at DROID.
I doubt that I have what it takes to be a CEO of a huge tech company.
I doubt that I’m where I need to be to accomplish my goals.
I doubt that I’m in the right relationship.
I doubt that I am wasting my time instead of going straight at my goal. But then again, I don’t have a clear goal.
I need to define what I want, and try to come up with plans to how to get there.
I want to work as a CEO of a company that I create, a tech company and feel like everyday I’m doing something important and making humanity better. Deep down I want to play this game, just for the game itself.
So why don’t I do that?
It’s easy. It’s easy to not be “good enough”. It’s easy to be self defeating. It’s easy to be enraged when someone tells you “you are no good”. It’s easy to be angry at other people.
You know what is hard? To be angry when you think badly about yourself.
It’s hard to let that rational anger go and say to yourself “FUCK YOU, do what you need to do. Find the price of success, and then pay it”.
The answer to the question “What happens when you are wrong?”:
“Don’t be sorry, be better”.