Amor Fati

To love one’s own fate.

There is a Stoic concept called Amor Fati, which is to learn to love one’s own fate.

It’s funny, I don’t get excited about things before they start. If people see that I do, I’m faking it.

“Going to a party?” I only get excited once I’m there.

“Going out with a girl?” I only get excited once I start talking to her on a date.

“Going in an entrepreneur event to compete to create a company?” I’m not at all excited. I always expect things to suck.

“Got internships opportunities?” It’s going to suck no matter what.

Right now I’m on a plane, and all I feel is nothing.

Everything in my life has sucked in the beginning. Pick anything and I’ll give an example of it sucking. I’m not a natural at anything.

Maths? I got 0s, shouted at by my dad because I couldn’t add 7+3. I said it was 11.

Design? I created such sucky designs when I was 12 that I just cant comprehend them now. I had to study, buy lots of books to develop and “eye” for design.

Some have called me charismatic. But they don’t know that I spent most of my time alone at middle and high school reading on human psychology, behaviour and even some articles from the pick up community.

But I got into college. I must have some talent…
I had to lock myself for 40 days during holidays from 11th to 12th grade to catch up on my lack of understanding of the classes. 40 days, I even missed Christmas. And it was being celebrated in my house. I studied from 4 am to 8 pm, I’d write essays, and study 1 chapter of maths, physics, chemistry and end with biology. I’d read one chapter each and solve every question in all those books.

I suppose you could argue I have the same talent as Rock Lee. I can get good at things by unnaturally practicing it like mad.

But I’m not particularly passionate by any of that. It’s like my passion could be for the grind. No matter the subject.

But I do want to find that one thing. One art that I can dedicate myself for life. Some like robotics, embedded systems, design, cinema.

I don’t. I find it interesting some writing styles, some movie director roles and how they think about their movies.

Now on an another note. There are moments when I just feel passionate about everything.

Fuck me.

But my destiny continues to put me on the path of creating a startup.

I’m on a plane going there.

And I do believe we are gonna win. I’m just not sure I’ll be happy about that. Just like I knew we would win the other rounds, and all I felt was more weight on my back.

No sense of pride due to victory.

The only pride I feel is when I beat myself. I find no joy in beating others.